Thursday, February 05, 2015

Life Transitions

It's February and I've been absent from the online world for 6 months. Life has been packed full with feelings and lessons and I'm through all of it, still standing and still smiling.

I've been back through previous posts and, sad or not, I've deleted a lot of the writing that sat with each photo-filled entry. All of that was another life of mine that I'm no longer living and to read back on it felt unusual; it wasn't my blog.

I wasn't expecting life to change so much when I drifted away from everything all those months ago. My mind was lost and my heart was sad. I was going through a period of actually growing up and transitioning from love-sick teenager, to strong-minded woman. You see gals, I never admitted it before, and I still can't find the right way to finally come out with the things I did.

When I was 18 I let my heart fall ridiculously in love with a man who was taken. The feelings suffocated me and I lost myself in the emotion and the aching need I felt to be with him at all times. Let me tell you, those 2 years were 2 of the hardest I think I will ever have to face. There are a million rude words I could call myself, so I bet some of those run through many minds reading this. "I was young and stupid," I might say ... but I knew what I was doing in that moment and I chose to continue. I continued dragging myself through days knowing that he'd only message me when he got a spare moment. He'd tell me everything I wanted to hear. He'd see me when he could sneak away, or when he had an excuse to. He'd lie to me, about almost everything. I knew these things deep down, but the need for his affection consumed me. And how stupid I was.

At the time I'd sit for hours just thinking about how sad it made me, and I'd cry myself to sleep sometimes - especially when he told me he didn't want to speak to me anymore, only to change his mind the next day. Why do some people think it's acceptable to do these things, to make people feel this way? It's not. And only now do I realise looking back. If I could transport myself back to the moment before I met him, things would be very different. But it's these things in life that we do, that make us stronger and much better people! I know that without those years, I would not be the strong, grounded person that I am today. I'm in a different world altogether and it's only when you take yourself completely out of a situation like that do you realise how toxic it is.

I wasn't expecting real love to hit me so soon after that. I'd been blinded and men were so far down on my wanted list that when I sat and spoke to him for the first time, I remember thinking "What the f*k is this!!" It was his name ... I saw it way before we first met and there was something. Probably nothing, but something tiny, something that made me glance twice and give him a quick google search. It wasn't until a few months later that we actually had our first conversation. It was standard but I remember studying him and thinking about how attractive he was, how he'd styled his hair in the morning, and the cheeky smile that sat on his face.

He was shy and I wasn't. I didn't want love but I pursued him anyway because my heart was telling me too. When he finally started showing interest I backed off. I didn't want love! I didn't want a man! My head told me to run, run and run. But my heart stuck and I just couldn't tell him that whatever we had was over. So I stuck it out, we went on our first date, and now we are living together in our own little apartment that sparkles with fairy lights and dances with candles each night.

Let me tell you that he is the sweetest soul I've ever met, with a big heart that sits on his sleeve (although he will argue this). He shares my love for the camera and we fit together so perectly it doesn't seem real.

So that's me. 6 months later and a whole load happier! I'm ready to dive back into the blog world and re-connect with all my friends that slipped away as the months passed by.

A small note to leave you on ~ if anything ever makes you feel sad, make a change and I promise you will look back in months and wonder why you ever spent a moment worrying about it.

(A few photos from the start of 2015 - don't get me started on my failed harddrive and my loss of 17,000 photos ohhhh no!!)


1 comment

Thank you in advance, for taking the time to share your words.